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Archive for the ‘fun scripts’ Category

Just an FYI:

If you’re an oxycodone junkie, I’ll admit that coming in with crutches and limping like your leg just snapped in half is a nice touch. You’re already putting in more work than most other junkies who waltz in and just shove the script at me, giving me this look like a kid hoping mommy is going to let them stay up past 9pm eating candy and playing video games. A for effort.

The part where you fail miserably is when your “doctor” has clearly written “back and lumbar pain” as the diagnosis on your prescription. Next time you come in with a bloody nose I’m sure you’ll have a script that says “eye herpes.”

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I got a call from a nurse today for me to take down 3 new scripts. She’s already prefacing the script by giggling on the phone and telling me “Hi, this is Nancy from Dr. Generalclinic’s office, calling in 3 new scripts for a patient…you’re gonna get a kick out of these.” I’m not quite sure what she meant, but I go ahead and take down the scripts. She starts out:

“Ok, first prescription is….Viagra, 100 mg tablets, take 1 as needed, for 3 tablets.”

Nothing too unusual, I go ahead and write it down on a script pad. Then she starts snickering and says “Ok, you ready for the next one?” I tell her to go ahead.

“Ok, second script is…Cialis, 20 mg tablets, take 1 as needed, for 3 tablets.”

I tell her “Oh my dear lord…”, and she says “Oh no no, I’m not done yet, I’ve got one more! I think you already know what it’ll be too!” And sure enough, the third script was for Levitra, 20 mg tablets, take 1 as needed, for 3 tabs. Then she says “And this is the best part! All of this is for patient I. M. Horny, and his date of birth is 01/01/1929.” I wasn’t able to hold back my response and all I could say was “Holy crap, are you serious??” Nancy exclaims “YES! Looks like someone’s having some fun in his golden years!” I cracked back “It’s not even Friday night yet!” To which Nancy cracks up even more and says “Hey, at at age, I guess every night can be a Friday night, right? Have fun filling that one!”

The funny part about it all is that if you think about it, this 81 year-old geezer is probably getting laid more than some of these younger dudes that I’m filling scripts for. So you know what, old man? Keep truckin’. Cuz if you’re in decent enough health at that age, then more power to you.

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I’m toiling away at work and I see a prescription that is commonly used for chlamydia and gonorrhea infections. I snicker a little (yes, I’m still an immature jerk about these things), but I obviously remain professional about it. Then I see the name on the script. Something about it rang a bell.

It was for the SAME GUY WITH CHLAMYDIA IN THE ASS 3 WEEKS AGO.

This time the doc wasn’t as detailed about the diagnosis, but still wrote a vague description of “STD exposure” on the script. Seriously dude? Either he’s sleeping with all the wrong people, or he clearly didn’t learn his lesson from 3 weeks ago.  Needless to say, this is a case where the saying “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again” does NOT apply.

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A prescription came my way, and it was for a very distinct dose of an antibiotic. It’s distinct because it’s always used for chlamydia (or sometimes gonorrhea)…either way, if I see it, I know some poor soul has a burn goin’ on down south. 😛 And typically, the doctor would simply write “Azithromycin 500 mg tablets, 2 po x1 dose”, which is medical code for “Azithromycin 500 mg tablets, take 2 tablets by mouth for 1 dose”…in which to the medically trained, it’s almost like a secret code that says “HELP ME IT BURNS.” To this day, I’m still an immature jerk about it and every time I see this particular prescription, I silently snicker a bit, but I do my job, make sure the medication reaches the poor patient with the firecrotch, and let them be on their way.  However, this time around, it looks like the doctor decided to add WAY more information that I’m used to seeing, because I had to do a double take when I saw the following written on the prescription:

“For chlamydial infection of rectum and anus.”

AND it was for a dude. I got WAY more information than I bargained for on that one.

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I’ve started working full time at my pharmacy. I’m still trying to get used to the idea that I’M the one who calls the shots now, and that if something goes wrong, people are looking to ME for answers. Yikes. Here are a few highlights from my first two weeks of working as a big girl on my own in the pharmacy:

  • Some blond chick came in with a massive cold sore on her lip, asking what I’d recommend over the counter. I told her Abreva, and she immediately shot it down, saying it doesn’t work. Then she asked if using tea tree oil or rubbing alcohol would work. I told her I didn’t know about the tea tree oil, but the rubbing alcohol would probably hurt a bit, because it would burn. Her response? “Girl, I’ve been putting Lysol on this thing.” Then she proceeded to ask me if it’s okay to use Lysol, asking if she’s going to die from it or anything. I said she probably wasn’t going to die unless she actually swallowed it. She asks me if I want to take a closer look at the cold sore. I politely decline. I ask her if there’s been any sort of discharge coming from the sore, in which she responds “Ack, that kinda grosses me out when you say that.” Because asking me to take a closer look at your cold sore isn’t gross either. She goes back to asking about what to do about the cold sore…after she shoots down all of my OTC recommendations, I tell her she might want to see a doc instead, and suggested either Zovirax cream or acyclovir tablets, pointing out that the tabs would help more if this is a recurrent problem. She says “Oh, I don’t swallow pills.” I suggested that if it’s a problem, she can break them in half. She says “No no, I don’t swallow pills, period. It just doesn’t happen.” Mentally I’m thinking “You must’ve swallowed SOMETHING to get that nasty cold sore on your lip.”
  • During my second week EVER of working on my own as a pharmacist, a DPS officer waltzes into my store asking to seize some forged prescriptions for an investigation. The officer noticed my deer in headlights look, and jokingly said “I should probably yell at your manager for leaving you here by yourself the one time a DPS officer shows up.”
  • Druggies provide an endless amount of entertainment (and sometimes anxiety) for me on the job. Just last night, a guy rolled up through my drive through right around closing time. I open the window to ask if I can help him, and I see this scraggly looking shirtless dude in his 20s in the driver’s seat. He gives me a confused look, then shuffles through some junk in his car, and without saying a word, hands me two crumpled prescriptions. I look at the scripts…one has an antibiotic and a pain medication written on it, and the other has a muscle relaxant and a codeine cough syrup written on it. Cuz you know, when you’re sick enough to need antibiotics, pain killers, muscle relaxants, and codeine cough syrup, it TOTALLY makes sense to drive around town shirtless at 10 pm.
  • Every time I get a script for an antibiotic with dosing that’s typical for an STD, I always mentally think “Uh oh, someone’s got CHLAMYDIA.”
  • Someone took a crap in my store. No joke. The guy came to the back asking where our restroom was…my tech points him in the right direction, and tells him he’ll page someone to unlock the door for him. 10 minutes later, our floor manager comes to visit us back in the pharmacy, and he tells us that someone just took a crap IN FRONT of the bathroom door…because apparently no one came quickly enough? Gross.

So that’s my life at work so far. Countin’ pills, gettin’ paid, answering people’s questions about everything from UTIs to sore throats to swine flu. Thus begins my first real career. As long as I don’t get too many people taking a dump in my store, I think I’ll be alright. 😛

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