Archive for the ‘*facepalm*’ Category

Just a few days ago, I was helping out one of my regulars Mr. Ali with a question he had regarding using Tylenol versus Motrin for his 8 year-old daughter. While I was explaining the pros and cons of each, a man pushes his way in front of poor Mr. Ali, shoves a receipt in my face, and says:

“Excuse me ma’am, that girl over there just overcharged me 53 cents.”

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?


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Dear Mr. StupidWithAnAttitude,

If you haven’t noticed by now, you’re one of the few people that I’m forced to be curt with, because the minute I show any degree of friendliness, you suddenly feel like you can get special treatment. Or that I can suddenly do magical favors and materialize special products out of thin air just for you. Your high demands for just about everything in life never fail to amaze me. Just one example:

  • One day you walked in complaining to me that you’ve been feeling really bloated and need something to “detoxify” yourself. I point out our own colon detox cleansing system. You look at the box and say “I want the BEST thing you have.” I keep things short and sweet with you, because I know if I don’t give a firm answer, you’ll keep pestering me for eons about useless shit. I tell you it’s a good product, I’ve seen plenty of other customers use it, and haven’t heard of any issues. You look at the box a little more and nod approvingly. Then you ask me if it’ll help with bloating. I point to the part on the box where it says in big freakin’ capital letters “REDUCES BLOATING.” You look at it, then shake your head with disapproval and say “No, I don’t want something that just reduces bloating, I want something that will leave me with NO bloating.” Then you look at me like I’m an idiot for recommending such an inferior product. I tell you through gritted teeth that that’s all we’ve got, so either take it or stop bitching and go the fuck home.

That’s just ONE of many incidents that I’ve had with you, all with similar results. Which leads me to today:

  • You walk in, and again, you ask for me. How cute, you know me by name. No, that doesn’t give you any special treatment. You ask me if we sell travel masks. I point to aisle 12 and tell you you’ll find them there. You wander off to aisle 12. Then you freakin’ SHOUT for me from the aisle, and tell me “I don’t see them, they’re not here. You said aisle 12,” and wave for me to come to you in the aisle like I’m some servant. I decide to be defiant (HELL no I’m not walking over there like a dog) and simply shout back “Look on the bottom of the shelf, on your right hand side.” You magically find the masks that you previously claimed weren’t there. But noooooo….knowing you, just finding the product isn’t enough, because every time you find something, you ALWAYS BRING IT BACK TO ME TO PESTER ME ABOUT IT. You bring back the masks, and you point out that it says “Procedural Facemasks” on the packaging. You look at it disapprovingly (why do I go through this same song and dance with you EVERY FUCKING TIME?), and ask me if they can be used for travel masks. What I wanted to say was “YES YOU CAN FUCKING USE THEM FOR TRAVEL”…what I actually said was “Yes, you can use those for travel.” You look at the box some more, look at me like I’m an idiot for suggesting such an inferior product, and declare that it’s not what you’re looking for. You also point out that it’s a box of 50, and you don’t need 50. I tell you that’s all we have on the shelves. You look at me, and point out again that you don’t need 50 masks. I point out AGAIN that all we’ve got are boxes of 50. AGAIN you mutter to yourself that you don’t need 50 masks. Look jackass, first of all, apparently this wasn’t what you were looking for to begin with, so why is quantity even an issue? And I’m definitely not going to open the box and just sell you a handful of masks, no matter how many fucking times you tell me you don’t need 50 freakin’ masks. Take it or leave it, dude. And don’t look at me like I’m an idiot when you’re the one asking the stupid questions.

Mr. StupidWithAnAttitude, you can’t seem to even buy a box of Kleenex without asking me some inane question about it, and then you always disapprove of my answers, and look at me like I just told you to go give my manager a blowjob. If you don’t like the answers I give you or the products I recommend, then WHY DO YOU KEEP ON FUCKING ASKING? Are you doing this on purpose? Are you just picking on me? Am I on Candid Camera? I actually kind of hope that you ARE doing this on purpose, because I hate to imagine that anyone could possibly be that stupid AND entitled at the same time. And no, you’re not going to shit out cotton balls if you eat some of that Kleenex, thanks for asking.

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Flu season is upon us, which means I’ve been sticking needles in people’s arms so they don’t end up catching the bug. Now and then I get people refusing to get a flu shot, some for good reason, others for reasons that I have no choice but to classify them in the category of STUPID.

Decent reason to refuse:
I had a family come in asking about our flu shots. When I informed them that it was an all-in-one dose that included the H1N1 vaccine (aka swine flu), they politely refused. They were uncomfortable with getting the H1N1 part of it, and just wanted the seasonal flu shot. I assured them it was proven to be safe, but I wasn’t going to push it if they weren’t comfortable…I’ll admit I was a little wary of the H1N1 vaccine as well when it first came out, just because I felt like it was released into the market WAY too quickly as a kneejerk reaction to last year’s outbreak. I’d say it’s a pretty good legitimate reason to refuse the flu shot.

Stupid reason to refuse:
I had a guy come in to ask about our flu shots. I wasn’t too swamped with work at the time, so I told him I could get him to fill out some paperwork, prepare one for him, and have him out in about 15 minutes. He exclaims “15 MINUTES?? For a SHOT? You can’t just give it to me?? Forget it,” and storms off. Listen jackass, if you went to your doctor’s office, you’d probably be waiting for 15 minutes just to have them call your name out before you even get a chance to SEE the poor schmuck that has to stick a needle in you.

Even stupider reason to refuse:
Some dude asks me about flu shots. Again, I’m not too terribly busy at the moment, so I tell him I can get him to fill out some paperwork and have one out for him in about 15 minutes…he tells me he’s in a hurry, but says he’ll come back the next day. In cases like these, I prepare as much of the paperwork as I can ahead of time, and have the syringe drawn up and ready to go. This way when he shows up the next day, all he needs to do is fill out the consent form, and then I can ring him up and pop the needle in his arm. He shows up the next day, and I’ve got everything ready for him. I give him the consent form and ask him to fill it out. He looks at the form and says “Oh no no no, I didn’t want to fill out any paperwork.” I politely tell him it wouldn’t take long, and that all he needed to do was fill it out and sign it at the bottom. He says “No no, I left my glasses at home…if I knew there was paperwork for me to fill out, I wouldn’t have bothered with the shot. I don’t want to waste my time on this!” And he walks away.

Uhh…I guess good luck on finding a flu shot that DOESN’T require some form of paperwork.

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I had a guy come by with a script for birth control for his wife. They didn’t have insurance, so he asked me how much it would be. I looked it up in the computer, and it came out to be $85.96 per pack. He looks at me in disbelief and exclaims “What?? Why is it so expensive?” I told him there was no generic for this particular type of birth control, and therefore it tends to cost a bit more. Then comes the fun part:

Mr. Magic Discount: “But my doctor said it would be $24.00!”
Me: “Umm…is that with a coupon?”
Mr. Magic Discount: “Yes! He gave me a card for it!”
Me: “Ok…do you have that coupon card with you?”
Mr. Magic Discount: “No, it’s at home!”
Me: “I can’t give you the discount unless I have the card.”
Mr. Magic Discount: “Oh.”

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I was taking down a script from a doctor’s office today, and I had the following “duh” moment:

Nurse Susie: “Hi, this is Susie from Dr. Gimmemeds’s office, calling in a new script.”
Me: “Ok, no problem, *grabs a script pad*…go ahead.
Nurse Susie: “Ok, this is for patient John Smith.”
*writes down the name*…ok, and what’s Mr. Smith’s last name?
Nurse Susie: “…uh, Smith.”
Me: “Oh god, I’m sorry, I meant what was his date of birth? It’s Monday, can you tell?”

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Fear the man, man

A few days ago, my technician tells me that I had a consultation waiting for me. So like usual, I walk over to see if the poor soul was in need of medical advice, or if they wanted to know if we sell flavored condoms.

I’m met with a middle-aged man with matted hair, a worn-out baseball cap, and wet (possibly sweaty) dirty clothes. He pretty much looks homeless. I’m unfazed by this, since I see people from all walks of life in this job, so I ask if he has a question for me. The following conversation ensued:

Me: “Sir, did you have a question for me?”
Mr. Wordvomit: “Yes ma’am, um…what are some signs of dehydration? And what do you do about it?”
Me: “Well, generally people will feel very tired, dizzy, sometimes nauseous, and they may get some cramping. Drinking fluids will usually help.”
Mr. Wordvomit: “So drinking plenty of water will help?”
Me: “Yes sir.”
Mr. Wordvomit: “Ok, sounds good…and uh…is it better to eat 2 or 3 meals a day?”
Me: *what the hell?* “Uh…generally speaking 3 is preferred, but you can do fine with 2”
Mr. Wordvomit: “Oh ok…so like 2 big meals? Cuz I just had some peaches today.”
Me: *this conversation needs to stop. SOON* “Uh…yeah.”
Mr. Wordvomit: “Ok…and hey, I’ve been feeling really shaky lately, like a lot of anxiety…do you know what I could do to help that? Is that just stress? Maybe I’m stressed.”
*if this dude is hoping that I’ll suggest that he take xanax, that’s NOT the answer he’ll be getting* “Maybe. Did I answer all of your questions?” *read: Can I go now??*
Mr. Wordvomit: “Oh, I had one more question (this is where I do a mental facepalm), and um…well…I can’t remember…oh yeah, there’s this man, I don’t remember his name, but this horrible, horrible, corrupt man —
Me: “Sir, is this a health-related question?” (translation: please stop talking and leave now)
Mr Wordvomit: —and he’s running for governor, but he’s a terrible man, because he wants to cut taxes —
Me: “Sir, if this isn’t a health-related question, then you might want to ask someone else”
Mr. Wordvomit: — oh, I’m getting to the health part (FACEPALM. MOTHERF*CKING FACEPALM) , anyway I’m homeless, and when they cut taxes, that’s less money that goes into my pocket, and he’s a very VERY corrupt and horrible man, I can’t remember his name, but anyway, um…so I think maybe all that pressure in my heart is coming from the thought of him becoming governor.
Mr. Wordvomit: “Oh well, I guess if he isn’t elected, then maybe all this will go away.”

And then he walked off.

What the hell?

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This morning I opened up the pharmacy to a clusterfuck of stuff going on. I was alone, and as soon as I opened, I had cars in BOTH lanes of the drive-thru, a doctor on the phone calling in a new prescription, and 3 people at the register. Allll for lil’ ol’ me to take care of. I frantically called a manager to the pharmacy for backup (to at least ring up the people who were waiting at the register)…turns out one of the people at the register was here for a flu shot. Surprise!

Of COURSE flu shot season would officially start today at 10 am. And of course this guy would be super prepared and make an appointment right at 10 am. And of course he had an online confirmation that he’s got an appointment. And OF COURSE it was nowhere to be found in my computer that this poor guy had made an appointment, because my messaging system was DOWN ALL DAY yesterday, so I had NO freakin’ clue that this guy was going to walk in, expect me to stick him with a needle, and walk on out.

Thankfully this guy was one of our regulars, and also one of the friendliest clients that we’ve got, so he patiently waited while I ran around trying to find all of our flu vaccine supplies that I had absolutely NO preparation for. I found the flu vaccines in the fridge, and had him fill out the proper paperwork so I could poke him in the arm and let him be on his way. I found vials and I found pre-filled syringes. I’d never actually used the pre-filled syringes before, but I figured they would probably make my life easier, right? I opened up the package insert, and didn’t see any instructions for using the pre-filled syringes…my logic was that if there’s no instructions, then these things should be pretty self-explanatory for a trained health care professional. I’ve seen other pre-filled syringes where you just uncap and stick ’em, so I figured this should be easy. Wanting to get this guy out as quickly as possible (the poor man had already been waiting for a while), I rang him up for his shot, put on some gloves, and prepared myself to inject.

I notice a cap on the pre-filled syringe. No biggie, I just twisted it off. I’m pretty decent at giving shots..I’ve got a pretty steady hand, I do it quickly, and I get compliments from even the most needle-phobic patients. I told the guy to relax his arm, and pressed down on the plunger. Wow, that didn’t look like it hurt at all! This may be my best flu shot yet!

Oh wait. It didn’t hurt because THERE WAS NO F*CKING NEEDLE ON THE SYRINGE. I had just squirted flu vaccine fluid all over this dude’s arm. What was supposed to be a good professional action of me injecting this guy with a year’s worth of flu protection turned into me squirting his arm with fluid like an annoying 2nd grader with a water gun. EPIC. FAIL.

Once again, it was with a HUGE stroke of luck that this guy was one of our friendly regulars, so he laughed it off, and waited again for me while I decided fuck it, I’m doing this the old fashioned way with a vial and an empty syringe. Goodness knows if it were anyone else, they’d probably be running for the hills at this point before I came anywhere near them with a needle. I went and got a regular sterile syringe WITH a needle on it, drew up half a milliliter of flu vaccine from a vial, jabbed the guy’s arm, and let Mr. Nice Guy be on his flu-free merry way.

I swear I went to school. And graduated with an “advanced” degree. Really.

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