Archive for May, 2010

A girl waltzed into my store today and had all these big angry red rashes all over her. And she was in nothing but a bikini. She wasn’t fat, but she did have a bit of “love” hanging out from her swimsuit. 1) Why would you wear a bikini into a pharmacy, and 2) why would you wear a bikini if you’ve got a little bit of jiggle hanging out? She also had a friend with her, in which her friend was fully clothed, so I don’t know why she’d even think it’d be a good idea for her buddy to show up with some jiggle action in a bikini. But I digress.

She walks up to my consultation window and asks me what’s good to help with all these nasty rashes all over her. I ask if she’s come into contact with anything to cause the rash, because that would be the first step to finding out how to properly treat it. She starts snickering, composes herself, and then says no. I ask her if she’s been bitten by anything (although I doubted that it would be bug bites, since the rashes were all over and weren’t in sporadic spots), and again she said no. Her friend kept on giggling at her too. I asked if she had any food allergies, etc. etc….again, no. I asked her if she’s SURE she hasn’t been outdoors at all in the past couple of days…this time both she and her friend start giggling, and then she says no. She tells me she hasn’t been anywhere, she hasn’t eaten anything…she just woke up one morning with these rashes all over her. And both she and her friend keep on snickering and giggling. Obviously I’m not convinced. I give up on prying, and tell her to go with some benadryl at night and some hydrocortisone cream to put onto the rashes to cut down the redness and inflammation. She thanks me, and she jiggles her half-naked self back out of the pharmacy.

My conclusion? She probably had sex in the woods. My friend told me I should’ve told her to stop skanking around in poison ivy. That should do the trick.


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I got a call from a nurse today for me to take down 3 new scripts. She’s already prefacing the script by giggling on the phone and telling me “Hi, this is Nancy from Dr. Generalclinic’s office, calling in 3 new scripts for a patient…you’re gonna get a kick out of these.” I’m not quite sure what she meant, but I go ahead and take down the scripts. She starts out:

“Ok, first prescription is….Viagra, 100 mg tablets, take 1 as needed, for 3 tablets.”

Nothing too unusual, I go ahead and write it down on a script pad. Then she starts snickering and says “Ok, you ready for the next one?” I tell her to go ahead.

“Ok, second script is…Cialis, 20 mg tablets, take 1 as needed, for 3 tablets.”

I tell her “Oh my dear lord…”, and she says “Oh no no, I’m not done yet, I’ve got one more! I think you already know what it’ll be too!” And sure enough, the third script was for Levitra, 20 mg tablets, take 1 as needed, for 3 tabs. Then she says “And this is the best part! All of this is for patient I. M. Horny, and his date of birth is 01/01/1929.” I wasn’t able to hold back my response and all I could say was “Holy crap, are you serious??” Nancy exclaims “YES! Looks like someone’s having some fun in his golden years!” I cracked back “It’s not even Friday night yet!” To which Nancy cracks up even more and says “Hey, at at age, I guess every night can be a Friday night, right? Have fun filling that one!”

The funny part about it all is that if you think about it, this 81 year-old geezer is probably getting laid more than some of these younger dudes that I’m filling scripts for. So you know what, old man? Keep truckin’. Cuz if you’re in decent enough health at that age, then more power to you.

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