Dear Mrs. Grimm,
I understand that you need your Ambien. I also understand that Ambien happens to be a controlled substance, meaning there’s a likelihood that people like to eat it like candy to get a high. What makes your situation comical is the incredible stories you make up to get an early refill on your pills. You call us, and Tech #1 answers the phone. You ask her for an early refill on your Ambien, because your purse got stolen. According to our records, you should’ve had enough medication to last you for another 2 weeks or so, and we already know you tend to make shit up (you’ve previously claimed that you worked for FEMA and tend to leave your meds around when you travel), so we’re already feeling pretty skeptical. Tech #1 tells you that most likely your insurance isn’t going to allow for an early refill, and they probably won’t allow an override for stolen medication, but we can call and give it a shot (translation: we’re just going to call to officially have insurance say “no” so you can stop bugging us). You tell her not to worry about it, and say you’ll call insurance yourself. No problem.
Then you call again. This time I pick up the phone. You tell me that your purse was stolen, and you called your insurance company and found that they don’t allow for overrides for stolen medication, but they DO allow vacation overrides…and since you’re supposedly a flight attendant, you’re conveniently leaving to go overseas tomorrow, and ever-so-sweetly ask me to call insurance for the override, but also say that you’ll understand if they don’t allow it. How nice of you. I tell you I’ll take care of it. I call your insurance company for you, and I don’t even try to fake the situation. I tell the agent straight up that I’m simply calling just to say that I called, and when I retell the whole story to the insurance agent, she pulls up your file and says “Sure, I understand you’re just doing what the member asked…ok, so she DID call us not too long ago…and uhhh, she definitely didn’t say anything about having her purse stolen…oh, and it shows she called us last week saying she lost her medication on a trip too! Yeeeah, we’re not gonna authorize that override.” We had a good laugh at how ridiculous all this was, and I thanked the agent, and called you back to let you know that your insurance wasn’t going to allow the override. You politely thank me, say you’ll just get the medication after you come back from your “trip,” and I figured that was the end of it.
Fast forward to two days later, I happen to be working again, and you happen to call AGAIN to ask about the override. I call you out and ask “I thought you said you were going overseas?” Your response? “OH…um, I was, but uh…my car got stolen and now I’m not leaving until Tuesday…yeah, um, things just aren’t working out for me.” I tell you I’ll call insurance to take care of it. I call your insurance again, and again I don’t even sugarcoat it. The agent answers, and I say “Hi, I’m calling from BigPharm Pharmacy regarding a vacation override for patient Mrs. Grimm on her Ambien, and to be completely honest, I’m just calling just so I can tell her that I called.” Again the agent tells me “Sure thing, how can I help you?” I tell her “I think you might have notes about this in her profile already, but she’s asking for a vacation override, but this is actually her second time asking for the override in 2 days. First she claimed her purse was stolen, and when she found out there weren’t overrides for stolen medication, she told me she was traveling overseas. When they didn’t authorize THAT one, she called AGAIN today, and when I asked about her trip overseas, this time she told me her car was stolen and that her trip has been delayed until Tuesday.” The agent says “WOW…” I continue with “….so that brings me to me calling you, because she claims that she already spoke to one of your agents, who said you’d okay the override, and that I just needed to call you guys to process it.” The agent literally busted out laughing. She apologized for laughing, but not really…”HA! Sorry, I shouldn’t have laughed. But man, that’s something. And about the override…that’s impossible, because none of us here in this office are authorized to do overrides for her to begin with. Sooo yeah…definitely no override.” “Yeah, I figured as much., sorry to waste your time!” “No problem, it made for a good laugh!”
I called you back to let you know that insurance refused to do the override again. This time you asked why…I told you that because of your conflicting stories, they were not able to authorize the overrides. To which you abruptly responded with “Oh ok ok, thank you,” and hung up. Mrs. Grimm, normally I’d call your stories a waste of time, but when they provide this much entertainment to both me and insurance agents, I’m actually relatively okay with it. So when you’re not busy popping your Ambiens like tic-tacs, you might want to guard your car and your purse more next time, and try not to miss too many overseas flights on your job as a FEMA flight attendant rocket neurosurgeon storyteller.